Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Introducing: The Loquacious little Moppet

This is Jd. He is the most recent demon to have clawed his way out of my uterus, and has been blessed with the gift of being a (funny) little shit. I've decided that his little words of wisdom, funnies, and his randomness should be shared with more than just those on my Facebook page. Thus I present to you a new segment to be featured on my blog at least once a week: The Loquacious little Moppet; snippets of sass. These are transcripts of the thoughts and conversations of my five year old. 

This is his "I'm getting really tired of your shit woman" look.

First Edition. August 1-6, 2014

At the cabin campsite, right before bed:

Jd: Mom, are there spiders here?
Me: Probably, we are near the woods. But they won't bother you.
Jd: Oh yeah, I know that. They like to go on YOUR face when you sleep. 
Me: Wha....wha....what?!
Jd: Yup. I see them sometimes when I am in your room at night. 
Me: O.o *shivers*

For the record, he has his own room. I have no idea if he actually does come into my room at night, but now I'm kind of terrified that he might actually do that, and may really have watched spiders crawl on me. Even if he doesn't, that's a real asshole thing to say right before I go to sleep. 

Random exclamation: 

Jd: Mom! I love you so much my heart is exploding like Lego bombs are in there.

Asking questions:

Jd: How long is an hour?
Me: 60 minutes.
Jd: How long is 60 minutes?
Me: It's an hour Jd, I don't know. Like the length of two t.v. shows.
Jd: Which show?
Me: I don't know, two Spiderman episodes
Jd: Woooooooooooow. That show stinks mom! 
Me: YOU ASKED HOW LONG AN HOUR WAS. Who cares what show it is?
Jd: You should say My Little Pony. That's better. It's fancier. 
Me: Sigh. It's a T.V. show. How is it "fancy"?
Jd: Because they have CAKE. Seriously. 
Me: Yeah....seriously...*eyeroll* 

Jd is happily and peacefully playing with a fire truck Lego set that I purchased in hopes of gaining a few hours of quiet. All was well, until he started thinking. 

Jd: Mom...Mom....MOM!
Me: What?!
Jd: Do you like to call 911?
Me: No, we only call 911 if there is an emergency. 
Jd: I like to call 911
Me: Why would you call 911?
Jd; Because I'm FIRE ON THE DANCE FLOOR! (Followed by him making firetruck siren sounds)
Me: O.o

On the Airplane:

Jd: Mom, what if we crashed into Mt. Fuji?
Me: Well, we'd probably die
Jd: Yeah but the fireball would be so HUGE. We could see it from space!
Me: Yes, but *we'd* be dead so we couldn't see it
Jd: Well, you'd be dead because your leg is broke and you can't run away from fire. I'll be okay because I'm awesome. Hey mom, can you sit in a speedboat?
Me: *Blinking at the abrupt topic change* Yes...yeah I can sit in a speedboat.  Why?
Jd: Because if I had a speedboat, I'd put you in it and glue you to the seat. Because your leg is old and broken and you will fall off and die.
Me: Um, thank you?
Jd: Yeah. But you'll have to make me pretzels to pay for the glue.

As a special gift to you, may I present "Special Man". This is my child, and I love him despite the heebie jeebies he sometimes gives me.

1 comment:

  1. Your son's mind is a wonderfully rich source of random ideas and thoughts. It can be a bit of a let down when he gets older and starts to become logical, so enjoy it while it lasts!