Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy.....but here's an outlet, so fuck me maybe?

There seems to be a reoccurring theme in my last few blog posts, if you haven't noticed by now I broke my leg. In a previous post I mentioned that I've been suffering from the dreaded blue clit, thanks to my ginormous full leg cast. Well I am happy to announce that I've been cast free for a few months now, although my leg is still totally screwed up. *Quick side note: finally had my case sent to Tripler in Hawaii. We're waiting on approval to fly me over for surgery! Yay!* Ahem, anyways, between the pain of a freshly broken leg, the pangs of boredom, and my overall frustration at lack of access to my vagina, I decided that enough was enough. I was overloaded with stress and I had to find a way to slip in some sexual relief. 

I'm not sure if it's actually funny. I'm conflicted.
I am not shy about sharing my habit of visiting porn shops and collecting toys. What you may not know is how hard it actually is to please me. While toys are fun, they rarely get the job done. I know I'm not alone out there, a lot of women have trouble achieving orgasm, and some never do at all. I had it in my head that it was my job to please my man, and therefore I had to make him feel like he was #1 in all things regarding sex, including masturbation. I was very young when I married at seventeen years old. My spouse, apparently high on the vows of matrimony, asked me to masturbate in front of him. No biggie. I hadn't really masturbated before but I understood the gist of it. You get into a comfortable position, and work it until you either get too tired (which happened a lot for me when I'd previous try. I'd get bored and quit), or until you're done. I did a sexy strip tease, laid down, and went to work...and that's where things went bad. I was just trying to enjoy myself, to let go. He interrupted me, told me that it was boring just watching me lay there, and asked me if I could do something more. After I got over my embarrassment for boring him with my naked body, I decided to try it his way. I tried to rub myself doggy style, made sexy faces, threw my ass up in the air, played with my hair, moaned loudly and often, sucked on my fingers...yadda yadda yadda. I never came. He did. Again, I was there to perform, not enjoy, or at least that is what I had in my head. There are a lot of different reasons that I thought that way, reasons that I am exploring with my therapist. I have a long and sexually .... confusing, sometimes difficult history with sex, masturbation, and self image. All of which played a role in my thinking and reasoning toward "getting off". Way too many to delve into right now, but I wanted to make it clear that I am not blaming my spouse for my issues. Well, not all of them at least, but again, that's a convo for another day.

Anyway, so I just figured that I was one of those people who would just endure sex. Oh, I was so stupid. You should never have to endure anything, and certainly never sex. If I could go back in time and smack younger me in the face, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Then I'd hand her what I have since deemed worthy of the title; "The Holy Grail of Masturbation", the goddamn Hitachi Magic Wand.

Hell yeah I added in sparkles.

I was hesitant as I pulled my wand out of the box. This thing is roughly the size of my forearm, and sounds like a small fan when it's plugged in and vibrating at the lowest setting. I won't lie, I was pretty unimpressed with the design. How "magical" could it be to put a giant vibrating tennis ball on your vagina? I had purchased the Hitachi based on reviews saying that the vibrations were strong. Regular vibrators do not give me enough stimulation. A lot of the time I find myself grinding on them, and have even bruised myself trying to cum with them. So I overlooked the design and decided to just give it a go. I read reviews saying not to put the head directly on your vag, because it could irritate your skin. I threw a towel between my legs, kept my underwear on and flipped the switch to low. 

Holy. Shit. I had left the wand head resting on my vagina before I turned on the switch. I felt the vibrations rock through my hips and I swear all the way up to my ribcage. I flung the wand across the bed out of sheer shock. Lesson #1: don't ever put a toy on your junk before it's turned on. That's how you give yourself a heart attack. I should have known better. I picked it up, still vibrating, with my hope slowly building. I snuggled back into my stack of pillows, propped my broken leg off to the side on my body pillow and got ready for what I now thought would be a promising, yet arduous, journey to gettin' my rocks off.

Ten minutes. 

It took ten minutes until I was literally choking on my own spit as I tried to moan and stop my eyes from rolling into the back of my head. One minute I remember thinking "hmm, this is nice", and the next I was cross eyed and drooling. I will not longer besmirch the size of the head of the Hitachi. I think that is what made the difference for me. The power of the vibration was strong and equally spread across the top, which means no matter which way I rolled it, or if I stood it straight up, maximum coverage of my nether regions was achieved. And it was glorious. So. Fucking. Glorious. My hands went numb. This baby is powerful, and not to be trifled with (story coming up). I love it. This is a post I made on Facebook, after using this beast for the first time on March 21st:

"USPS finally delivered my Hitachi today. It took me less than five minutes to tear it open and put it to work. OH MY GOD. Seriously, OH MY GOD. I thought I'd pissed the bed when I finished, no joke it was a damn puddle! Where has this been all my life?! Good freakin' hot damn Lord. I'm never putting this thing down. EVER."

Yup. I totally thought I had pissed myself. I knew about female ejaculation, but I had never, ever experienced it. On the advice of a friend, after my next round also resulted in me sitting in a puddle, (I used that baby four times the first day I got it) I gave it a sniff test to see if I was actually orgasming, or if all these eye-rolling, pleasurable feelings were just my urethra being knocked loose. Which, for the record, I totally would have been cool with, it felt *that* good. I gave the towel a whiff, and it smelled nothing like pee. It was sweet, and super sticky. Holy shitballs. I had came, and I came hard. I had no idea that my body could do that, could feel that. It's now April 10th, and I've been walking around looking like this, every day since getting my new lover: 

Only with more chin hairs.

I've gone from never having experienced an orgasm, to having at least one a day. Yes, even on spring break. I sent my kids outside, locked my bedroom door, and happily went to town with my Hitachi. It's only taken me ten years and some change, but I finally found something that will vibrate my socks off, and makes me feel amazing.

Are you wondering why I waited so long to make this purchase? Yes, it's slightly expensive, but I've spent more money on stupider Japanese sex toys. My theory is that a part of me knew that 
I couldn't be trusted with powerful tools created to fulfill sexual desire. Are you ready for the stupid? Because here comes a truck load.

We've established I love my Hitachi, and that I use it daily now. The magic wands has two settings, normal, and what I like to call "Goddamn Zeus's dick sandblasting through your uterine walls". I have only turned the second setting on once, while holding the wand in my hand, and the sound alone scared me. Not to mention how fast it was going, or how quickly my hand was going numb. At the time I decided I never needed to try that setting. Zeus has fucked enough people/animal/things, he didn't need to get all up in my business too. I was going to stick to the normal setting.

Please note the use of the word was, in the last sentence.

I was feeling incredibly horny last week. I was fresh off of my period, and wanted it hard. So I laid my Hitachi on the bed and kind of straddled it, the best I could with a crippled leg. It was kind of just hanging off of the side of the bed, while I kneeled with my good leg bent like a frogs. I figured straddling it would put more pressure, and avoid the numb hands issue. So I get it adjusted just right, and because I am a fucking moron, I flip the switch straight to Zeus. Much like the first time I used the Hitachi, I straight freak the hell out. I am pretty sure this is what it'd feel like to be fucked by The Flash if he had a roll of sandpaper for a dick. Genius me, in full freak out mode, decides that the best course of action is not to turn off the Hitachi, but rather to not-so-eloquently flop forward onto the bed, full force, putting all of my weight onto that orgasm addicting piece of evil, motherfucking Hitachi wand. The worst part? I couldn't get back up. In hindsight, I'm sure it was hilarious. I can't put weight on the knee of my broken leg, I had one arm flopping to the side trying to push myself up, the other between my leg trying to yank onto the wand, while my broken leg dangled off the bed and was twitching with my manic movements. My other leg was stuck in "frog" position because I somehow managed to get it tangled in my comforter. I'm pretty damn sure my struggle was close to what a fish being anally violated would look like. It probably only took me seconds to pull the Hitachi out from under me, but it felt like hours. When all was said and done, my pubic area was bright red and achy for over an hour, and I had what looked like freakin' rug burn on the skin to the side of my clit.

Lesson #2: Buy a Hitachi. But don't use the goddamn Zeus setting. If you do use the God Mode setting, don't fucking flop full weight on top of it, and ALWAYS have an exit plan.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I have decided to name my Hitachi Zeus. I'm a slow learner.


  1. I love you.

    Informative, hilarious, & descriptive. BEST. STORY. EVER!