Monday, July 15, 2013

Passion

One day last week I was sitting on the couch farting around the internet like I tend to do when I'm bored, when Cj comes and sits down next to me. He starts talking about this and that, about his Pokemon collection, his 3Ds, and his friends, and we're chatting amicably. Then he looks at me and asks me "Mom, what do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked him what he meant, since I already was a grown up, and he told me, "I know you're old and that makes you a grown up, but what do you want to DO for a job while you're a grown up?" I told him that while I was already grown up I still didn't know what I want to do, and that's okay because right now it was more important to me to be here to help him and Jd grow up safely. I told him that maybe when he and his brother were a little bit older I'd figure out what other job I'd like to take on. He accepted that, and we kept talking about random things for a while longer (mostly about what he wants to be, which is still undecided but it's a tight race between a Veterinarian and Entomologistbefore he ran out to play with his friends. I'll admit I was a little bit unsettled while I reflected on his question later on, and I found myself wondering things like does my son not see me as a "real" adult? Is my inability to find and stick to a career path damaging his own hopes and dreams? Is my lack of confidence and drive showing that much? I couldn't shake off how shitty it felt to have to tell my son that his mother has no passion in life, no ambition, direction, or drive. Hell even my hobbies end as quickly as they start, I never can seem to stick with anything long enough to get good at it, or finish the projects. From video games to scrap booking, I'm everywhere and nowhere.

When I was little I wanted desperately to become an attorney, prosecuting criminal cases for the court. I wanted to put the bad guys of the world away and make it a safer place for people. I had planned to have a well established career by 35, I'd adopt a child or two (because back then childbirth scared the crap out of me), and I'd be married and happy in a moderately sized house with a picket fence. My life didn't go at all like I had planned it to, and now that dream seems so...not right anymore. I had an unplanned teenage pregnancy, got married before I finished high school and had to settle for getting a GED in my 20's. Under pressure from my husband to stay home and care for our child I only took odd jobs ranging from gas station worker to stripper when we desperately needed the money. Eventually I wound up running my own in home daycare for a few years. When Cj headed off to Kindergarten I decided to give community college a try; only to find out three months later I was expecting another child, and that just like the last two times morning sickness was my biggest enemy. After dashing from classrooms during lectures to vomit every day and missing class thanks to crappy childcare, I gave up and dropped out. Now here I am, with an eight year old in school and my youngest about to head off to Kindergarten this year and I still have no idea what to do with my life. After Jd came I put everything on hold again to take care of him, and to be there for both of my boys. I fell in and out of depression and I wasn't the best mother in the world; but I did my best and that's all I could do. 

A lot of my depression during those years came from feeling isolated, bored and unfulfilled. My problem is that I want to do something with my life, I just don't know what. I'm not really passionate about anything. I have no natural artistic talents or hidden abilities. I want to find a career that I enjoy and that will make me happy, but I can't seem to find anything out there that is calling to me. As we inch closer to September I feel more and more pressure building up inside, urging me to just decide on any old career path and just do it. Yet another part of me is holding back, screaming "NO. Don't settle. Find something you want to do. It's out there, you just can't see it yet. You deserve to do more than just settle." As badly as I want to listen to that voice I know that with me being overseas options for school are severely limited, there are only a handful of degrees offered here at the colleges on base, and then I'm limited to whatever I can do online and the possible stigma that could come from obtaining an online degree. Maybe I'm making excuses, prehaps there's nothing out there for me and I'm just one of those people who just....exist....through life. If that's true how do I know? I can't lie, I'm scared. I don't want my life to be meaningless, I don't want to feel like I'm just existing. I want to feel passion and joy for whatever it is I choose to do in life. I just don't know how to find it. 

The TL;DR version

9 comments:

  1. That's exactly how I feel too! Sans the kids asking me a question. A few nights ago I was trying to plan out the next 4 years of my life. I want to go back to college but not until the boys are in pre school or even kindergarten. I refuse to put them in day care both for personal reasons I have and for cost reasons.... I mean imagine putting two kids in day care at the same time same age and everything.... yeah its not happening. I actually was trying to make plans to go back to school 2 yrs ago and then I had found out I was pregnant with the twins and that was a no go. But so far my plan is well we move to texas in october we'll be there for 3 or 4 yrs give or take. The boys will probably be there long enough we can start them in pre school maybe. And I can go to school at least part time. But then I started thinking about all this other stuff like well can I use the g.I bill for part time hrs. And do I just want to go and start on my bacholors degree again or just get an associates. Or maybe I should wait til our duty station after next and start school there since it'd most likely be in our last year in texas. And ect.... until I finally felt a little overwhelmed because I started thinking about how old I'll be by then... I think I figured it to be 34 and to me that seems old. Lol.

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    1. Exactly! 34 is still "old" for me too, even though I'm rapidly approaching it!

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  2. Dude, I'm going to be 30 this year! :( Scary!

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  3. Whoa freaky! Did you just change the background or does it automatically do that on its own?

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    1. Sorry! I was in the middle of uploading a new design.

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  4. You shouldn't worry about what it means to be "grown up" because there isn't a way to describe what that even means. Just because you're in your twenties doesn't mean you can't spend time being silly and having fun. As for finding a job to be an example for your kids, that's not really important so long as you're able to care for them and teach them to make responsible decisions. As for finding a job you enjoy, you should do it but it doesn't need to be a traditional "job" heck I've seen people make a decent living live streaming themselves playing video games, which over a thousand people watch them do and they get ad money from that. Besides even if your dream job isn't possible doesn't mean you can't still try to get it. Hell I'm still trying to become an omnipotent demi-god wizard in charge of a trans-dimensional trade federation and empire. Cause when you control the universe you have to go trans-dimensional, ALL HAIL MOUMBASIA!!!! Though for the time being I'm working to open a modest TCG and video game store/tournament hall.

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    1. I am pretty sure you'll achieve becoming an omnipotent demi-god wizard in charge of a trans-dimensional trade federation and empire, just because that sounds like a kick ass job description!

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  5. You and me? Same boat, different countries. I am STILL trying to decide what I want to be when I "grow up," and I'm 31. When I was young, I always wanted to be a teacher. Now, I sort of want to work on becoming a psychologist, but all of that takes time, money, and a memory -- of which I have none. I feel stuck in a rut. If I go back to school, I have to cut down on working, which takes away the so-very-desperately needed money that it takes to pay the bills. Yet, working full-time+ doesn't even cover what I need it to.

    *sigh*

    I need to just solidify my plans to take over the world. Then I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. (FYI: If I ever do that -- you can be my Pinky...)

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  6. You know how I feel now.
    But what can you do?
    Lots of people go through life never knowing or finding out where they should invest such a significant part of their lives.
    There are also at least twice as many people who are miserable with their lives because their career choice makes them miserable.
    They wanted to do what made their parents happy or what they thought would make them the most money.
    There's no shame in not knowing what you wanna do, especially because you have such a heavy responsibility raising two kids on your own.
    I'm sure there's one major factor in your life which constantly sucks your drive and determination away and hopefully you'll be able to resolve that soon.
    Once you're in a place where you can concentrate on what's important without that distraction, where you have room to breathe, it will eventually come to you.
    Don't sell yourself short.
    You have a long way to go before you can even think about yourself being "old." ;)

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