When I was little I wanted desperately to become an attorney, prosecuting criminal cases for the court. I wanted to put the bad guys of the world away and make it a safer place for people. I had planned to have a well established career by 35, I'd adopt a child or two (because back then childbirth scared the crap out of me), and I'd be married and happy in a moderately sized house with a picket fence. My life didn't go at all like I had planned it to, and now that dream seems so...not right anymore. I had an unplanned teenage pregnancy, got married before I finished high school and had to settle for getting a GED in my 20's. Under pressure from my husband to stay home and care for our child I only took odd jobs ranging from gas station worker to stripper when we desperately needed the money. Eventually I wound up running my own in home daycare for a few years. When Cj headed off to Kindergarten I decided to give community college a try; only to find out three months later I was expecting another child, and that just like the last two times morning sickness was my biggest enemy. After dashing from classrooms during lectures to vomit every day and missing class thanks to crappy childcare, I gave up and dropped out. Now here I am, with an eight year old in school and my youngest about to head off to Kindergarten this year and I still have no idea what to do with my life. After Jd came I put everything on hold again to take care of him, and to be there for both of my boys. I fell in and out of depression and I wasn't the best mother in the world; but I did my best and that's all I could do.
A lot of my depression during those years came from feeling isolated, bored and unfulfilled. My problem is that I want to do something with my life, I just don't know what. I'm not really passionate about anything. I have no natural artistic talents or hidden abilities. I want to find a career that I enjoy and that will make me happy, but I can't seem to find anything out there that is calling to me. As we inch closer to September I feel more and more pressure building up inside, urging me to just decide on any old career path and just do it. Yet another part of me is holding back, screaming "NO. Don't settle. Find something you want to do. It's out there, you just can't see it yet. You deserve to do more than just settle." As badly as I want to listen to that voice I know that with me being overseas options for school are severely limited, there are only a handful of degrees offered here at the colleges on base, and then I'm limited to whatever I can do online and the possible stigma that could come from obtaining an online degree. Maybe I'm making excuses, prehaps there's nothing out there for me and I'm just one of those people who just....exist....through life. If that's true how do I know? I can't lie, I'm scared. I don't want my life to be meaningless, I don't want to feel like I'm just existing. I want to feel passion and joy for whatever it is I choose to do in life. I just don't know how to find it.